Torn

Usually I don’t really use my blog to post really, really, REALLY private things but actually as it does keeps my brain busy like a maniac I do think it’s better to write it off my soul.

I usually handle these things on my own:
Wracking my brain, missing sleep ( A LOT) and being tired all day long, eating stuff that isn’t good for me, eating too much or hungering myself out for days (or eat+hunger in turns), heaving headaches, sudden pain in shoulders and neck or getting sick.
This is NO normal behavior of a healthy person.
But apparently the only way I sometimes can coop with reality and my problems.

Right now, I am kind of stuck in a position where I don’t know if I need to decide and if, in which direction I should go.

I’m fed up with jumping jobs. I am “safe” until Dec, 1st, but I am aware there is the chance of not getting a new contract. Even if I get a new contract it might end after 6 months, so May, 1st, 2017.
It’s really a pain in the ass to work like this for years – I did that before in 2 other jobs (not counting the 6 months I was working in Germany as I do not), in total up-to-date for 5,5 years – always wondering whether I would get a renewal or not.
It simply sucks. Especially as the only thing I really want in my life is: stability.

Well. That’s one of the problems.
The other thing is that I lived for years in the so-called monk mode.
Meaning: I exclude the world from my life – even friends and family – on my silent search of my own meaning in the world. While some gave up and silently accepted this, there were exceptions which I forcefully shut out or removed from my life as they annoyed the crap out of me.
Yes, that’s mean. I am mean. I am fully aware. But it was for my own good when I started to do that as I was in need of a break. I was fed up with all those family-related wars carried out on my back that I simply hit the brakes… and shut out everyone else while I was on it. I did that already when I was a child and teenager and it raged across every specter of my relationships when I turned 22.
I don’t regret that decision. I didn’t know better.

For 8 years I kind of managed with telling everyone that I’m fine and well and (mostly) happy. I wanted to keep up the image most people of me would have: the strong, iron-willed, friendly person they know. But deep down I am wrecked for years and slowly this was reflected in my health.
Every single time I was too stressed by a situation I lashed about with either crying (which was horrible to do in public, yet alone at work – I do see crying as a weakness although I know it is a complete normal reaction for in my case emotional stress), silent-treatment of others for hours/days/weeks/months/years or getting pain in head/shoulder/stomach areas. No doctor could find anything leading to a physical diagnosis – it is simply put: mental.

For some people monk mode is a priced solution for their busy lives – in my case it was but isn’t anymore – it is a kind of live bubble, yet any disturbance or ripple in that bubble will annoy me, sometimes so much that I simply don’t talk to the people anymore. I was always looking for ways to stay in touch with the world I despite and I made friends through the internet and the lovely world of games.
I am committed to live up to expectations society has, but as a 30-year-old lad playing games I simply don’t seem to fit in that expectation cycle.
I feel lost. Because besides all that said, I still want to fulfill expectations: my own to myself. I do want to find a way to be a better version of myself but it is damn hard and although I can get help by friends and especially my boyfriend but I am still too proud – not even that, I can’t accept help.

And 3rd reason: I do not know if I see my future in Germany or the Netherlands.
I do know what my family and boyfriend think about this and somehow I don’t want to disappoint either of them – on the other hand I do think I am too eccentric to only think about what is best for me.

So yay me. Total dumb reason to write this blog but I was in need of yet another way to get rid of those thoughts and feelings.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s