Usually I don’t really use my blog to post really, really, REALLY private things but actually as it does keeps my brain busy like a maniac I do think it’s better to write it off my soul.

I usually handle these things on my own:
Wracking my brain, missing sleep ( A LOT) and being tired all day long, eating stuff that isn’t good for me, eating too much or hungering myself out for days (or eat+hunger in turns), heaving headaches, sudden pain in shoulders and neck or getting sick.
This is NO normal behavior of a healthy person.
But apparently the only way I sometimes can coop with reality and my problems.

Right now, I am kind of stuck in a position where I don’t know if I need to decide and if, in which direction I should go.

I’m fed up with jumping jobs. I am “safe” until Dec, 1st, but I am aware there is the chance of not getting a new contract. Even if I get a new contract it might end after 6 months, so May, 1st, 2017.
It’s really a pain in the ass to work like this for years – I did that before in 2 other jobs (not counting the 6 months I was working in Germany as I do not), in total up-to-date for 5,5 years – always wondering whether I would get a renewal or not.
It simply sucks. Especially as the only thing I really want in my life is: stability.

Well. That’s one of the problems.
The other thing is that I lived for years in the so-called monk mode.
Meaning: I exclude the world from my life – even friends and family – on my silent search of my own meaning in the world. While some gave up and silently accepted this, there were exceptions which I forcefully shut out or removed from my life as they annoyed the crap out of me.
Yes, that’s mean. I am mean. I am fully aware. But it was for my own good when I started to do that as I was in need of a break. I was fed up with all those family-related wars carried out on my back that I simply hit the brakes… and shut out everyone else while I was on it. I did that already when I was a child and teenager and it raged across every specter of my relationships when I turned 22.
I don’t regret that decision. I didn’t know better.

For 8 years I kind of managed with telling everyone that I’m fine and well and (mostly) happy. I wanted to keep up the image most people of me would have: the strong, iron-willed, friendly person they know. But deep down I am wrecked for years and slowly this was reflected in my health.
Every single time I was too stressed by a situation I lashed about with either crying (which was horrible to do in public, yet alone at work – I do see crying as a weakness although I know it is a complete normal reaction for in my case emotional stress), silent-treatment of others for hours/days/weeks/months/years or getting pain in head/shoulder/stomach areas. No doctor could find anything leading to a physical diagnosis – it is simply put: mental.

For some people monk mode is a priced solution for their busy lives – in my case it was but isn’t anymore – it is a kind of live bubble, yet any disturbance or ripple in that bubble will annoy me, sometimes so much that I simply don’t talk to the people anymore. I was always looking for ways to stay in touch with the world I despite and I made friends through the internet and the lovely world of games.
I am committed to live up to expectations society has, but as a 30-year-old lad playing games I simply don’t seem to fit in that expectation cycle.
I feel lost. Because besides all that said, I still want to fulfill expectations: my own to myself. I do want to find a way to be a better version of myself but it is damn hard and although I can get help by friends and especially my boyfriend but I am still too proud – not even that, I can’t accept help.

And 3rd reason: I do not know if I see my future in Germany or the Netherlands.
I do know what my family and boyfriend think about this and somehow I don’t want to disappoint either of them – on the other hand I do think I am too eccentric to only think about what is best for me.

So yay me. Total dumb reason to write this blog but I was in need of yet another way to get rid of those thoughts and feelings.


FFXIV: Retainer Information

This post will be solely created by a request of a company member of mine 🙂

What is a Retainer?
An NPC *lol what else* that can be hired to store (up to 175 items) and sell items (max. 20 items) as well as being able to take a job and obtain job-related items.
The system grants access to 2 retainers after finishing the main story quest “The Scions of the Seventh Dawn”.
It is possible to acquire up to 6 more retainers through the Mog Station (this costs real money!).

How to obtain a Retainer?
After finishing the quest mentioned above you need to talk to a Retainer Vocate (they do have names but the tag for Retainer Vocate is shown directly below their name) in any of the four big cities (Gridania, Limsa, Ul’dah, Ishgard). There you will have several options:

  • Hire a Retainer – Bitch please! Your first step to create your very own “slave” 😛 This will lead to a character creation menu to choose race, tribe, appearance. After this you can choose from 6 behaviors. Lastly choose the name of your retainer (only first name required).
  • Dispatch Retainer to (city name) – This can be changed at any given time. Your first retainer will be dispatched to the city you register it in (basically the one you are a company member of). So if you are a member of the Serpents, you talk to the NPC in Gridania and your retainer will be selling in Gridania. If you want to change the city state you need to go to any of the other 3 to change this.
  • Release a Retainer – This is your way to say “Go to hell bitch”. Instant delete of your retainer.
  • Ask about Retainers – Your FAQ for the basics of retainers.
  • Inquire about Retainer jobs– Buy a Job Scroll for retainers for 40 Ventures each. Hint: You can only have ONE Job Scroll in your inventory at a time.
  • View Market Tax Rates – Shows the tax rates of the city you are in right now. Every item you want to sell will be taxed.
    Hint: As a buyer you can avoid paying taxes simply by teleporting to the related city the retainer you buy items from. You will know by checking the symbol next to the name of the retainer selling items.
    Yellow = Gridania, Red = Limsa, Brown = Uldah, Blue = Ishgard.
    (E.G.: A retainer sells in Gridania, you are located in Limsa. Price of item is 1000 gil. Tax is 5%. The system will add 5% tax based on your location to retainer’s location = 50 gil. So you pay 1050 gil for the item. While if you buy it in Gridania you pay 1000 gil. Of course in this case there might be a more expensive teleport fee for this (if you don’t have the free teleport or Home) but with items which are more valuable you can avoid to pay too much fee 🙂
    This is an example and does not reflect any server’s real tax fees!)

How to access a Retainer?
Summoning Bell. Summoning Bell. Summoning Bell!
Talk to your lovely slave through that and see brand-new options to choose from:

  • Entrust or withdraw items – Your new storage for 175 items, including untradeable items, and shards, crystals and clusters.
    Since Patch 3.2 it is possible to directly sell items through a retainer (instead of searching for the next NPC you can sell useless items to). If you did sell a wrong item you will have the “Item Buyback” option as a 3rd option in your retainers menu. Please be aware that you can not buy back items when you closed the retainer menu.
  • Entrust or withdraw gil – Your new storage for money. You can also withdraw money for items that your retainer sold on the market.
  • Item Buyback – Only available when you sold an item through your retainer. This option will disappear as soon as you closed the retainer’s menu.
  • Sell items in your inventory on the market – Self-explaining huh? 🙂 Also shows the list of current items for sale. Max. 20 items possible.
  • Sell items in your retainer’s inventory on the market – Self-explaining again? 🙂 Also shows the list of current items for sale. Max. 20 items possible.
  • View sale history – You can check which item was sold for which price (after taxes) and who bought it.
  • View venture report – You can check the status of the current venture the retainer is put on.
  • Assign venture – Requires a Retainer Venture. A retainer can go on a trip to get materials for you.
    Hunting / Mining / Botany / Fishing Exploration – Basic option. Sends out retainer to gain a specific item which you need to have received yourself through fighting or gathering. This is timed to 40 – 60 minutes.
    Field / Highland / Woodland / Waterside Exploration – Timed to 18 hours. Received results are randomized depending on the chosen exploration rank.
    Quick Exploration – Available after you reached level 10 with a retainer. Brings a random item and EXP depending on the item gained.
    Each of the above options will cost a certain amount of Ventures.
  • View Retainer attributes and gear – This opens a character menu where you can equip your retainer.
  • Reset Retainer class – You can choose a class for your retainer. Please note that you can only choose classes you learned yourself. The retainer can only be as high in level as you are in this very class.
  • Quit – Leave your retainer’s menu (this will also send your retainer back to the market to sell).

How do you gain access to the Venture System?
Depending on your company you will need to complete either of the following quests:
An Ill-conceived Venture (Gridania)
An Ill-conceived Venture (Limsa)
An Ill-conceived Venture (Ul’dah)
Each one of them are given by the Troubled Adventurer in each of the cities.
After completion you can send out your retainer on ventures – as long as you chose a class for your retainer.
The interface will add certain new options:

  • Number of remaining ventures
  • View venture report
  • Assign venture
  • View retainer attributes and gear
  • Assign retainer class

How to obtain Ventures?
There are various ways to do so:
Guildhests, buying with company seals or hunt seals or tribe seals, rewards from tribe quests, …

How to assign a class to your Retainer?
Choose a class (Disciple of Magic or War or Land or Hand) for your retainer and equip a main weapon (level 1). Your retainer can go on ventures as soon as you did this.
Please note that you only can choose a class that you learned yourself.
You can change the chosen class at any time.

Which gear should you equip to your Retainer?
The best possible for its basic level 🙂 Some ventures can not be accessed if you don’t have the right Item Level.
Gear durability is not affected by wearing items. Spiritbonding proceeds at a very slow rate compared to if a player would wear the gear.

How to change the appearance of your Retainer?
Retainer Fantasia. This is an item you can receive when sending your retainer on a Quick Exploration. With this item you can change the appearance, race, tribe and gender of your retainer. You could also rename your buddy.
Talk to the Retainer Vocate in any city after using the item.
Steps to appearance change: Get a Retainer Fantasia – use it – talk to a Retainer Vocate and follow the steps given by the NPC.

How to add a job to your Retainer?
With the release of Patch 3.2 there is the possibility to assign jobs to your retainers. This is however only possible for the Disciples of War and Magic (we don’t have “jobs” for Gathering and Crafting because well… these ARE jobs 😛 ).
The retainer must be level 30+ and the player itself must be level 50+ in their respective class/job to be able to get the job.
Also the jobs Dark Knight, Machinist and Astrologian were added to the choice pool. The retainer must be level 50+ in any class and the player must have obtained level 50+ of the chosen class.
Buy a Job Scroll for 40 Ventures from any Retainer Vocate and talk to your retainer to add the desired job in the menu (you can only have ONE Job Scroll in your inventory so if you want to change more then one retainer, you need to repeat this – thankfully the Vocate is close to a Bell in every city).
This will then add a job crystal to the retainers equipment declaring it to have the assigned job and you can equip the job equip now.
E.G.: A Level 60 Archer is now a legit Level 60 Bard.
Reason for doing this?
1. Higher item level (might be required sooner or later for new ventures – take the hint)
2. Equip the stuff that you can not desynthesize or spend to gain company seals \0/
3. LOOKS! 😛 Kidding. Although most specified job gear do look awesome~

eBay Global Shipping Program #3

I hope there is soon an end to this story and its chapters.

After getting the knowledge via 2 mails that I will be entitled for a full refund of the costs of the item and shipping, I received the refund via Paypal this weekend.
When I went to check on PayPal yesterday I found out I was refunded for an amount that doesn’t add up at all.
I tried to reply to the case but as it was already closed I could not reply.
So I tried to find a way to get in touch via mail – not possible. So I was meant to call customer service in Germany.

Thank god, eBay uses landline numbers so that I could call them up using my Skype account (calling for free to EU landline numbers – maybe also worldwide, can’t really recall which contract I assigned with).
So I called the German number, punched in the numbers given to me by the eBay website regarding the article and waited not even 20 seconds until someone picked up! Hilarious. So fast!

The really nice guy listened to the story and then asked me to wait shortly as he would need to confirm with someone more experiences what he can do – as of course, I was calling Customer Service and not the related escalation team… he got back to me after 2 minutes and explained he will forward this to the team that handled the case for reviewing it and it might take up to 7 days until I hear back.

Reason for missing amount of money: 2 mails to me stating eBay decided in my favor. System note states they decided in favor of seller.
Why? No clue. Neither I nor the guy on the phone understand as there is clear proof that I didn’t do anything wrong and the team decided to refund me for the full amount and not some amount in the middle. Weird.

Anyhow. I had a really relaxed nice talk (well I was upset of course but neither of us got loud or into bad talk or such) with the guy from eBay CS, thanks Sven 🙂

But yay, this asks for a #4 soon to be posted 😀


\\EDIT: Resolved. Got the money back.

eBay Global Shipping Program #2

So in regards to this post, I finally have an update.

Although I find this really rude towards me and the seller….
eBay will refund me for the price of the item plus shipment
and blames the seller for not providing a tracking number to them in the given time (really? The tracking number was inside the item’s information when I created the ticket…. hello brainless monkeys?).

I think eBay doesn’t really much care about the sellers or buyers when they don’t want to recognize that their GSP creates huge problems for both sides on a regular scale – you just need to google and find pages and pages and pages in different forums – even on eBay itself – but as it seems to be easier to just dump the responsibility no one gives a damn.
So. I’m stuck with a research for my wanted item…yet again… and I feel very sorry for the seller too. As it wasn’t their fault for trusting eBay. Neither was it mine, but I will check with sellers from now on if they send with GSP nd pray they don’t.


eBay Global Shipping Program

Did anyone had problems with that one yet?

I did now. And I am completely mad at eBay as they treat the seller like a dick – and the seller is the one who did everything right after my payment.
But first things first…

I never had any trouble with packages being sent from US or Japan through eBay – they might end up in customs and I would pay some money but well~ that happens.
So now I tried to get some Skylanders missing for my collection and cheapest options were neither Germany nor Netherlands but UK, US and France.

So I ordered several Skylanders.
France went through normal postal way without tracking. Arrived at my place 5 days after shipment.
UK sent items with tracking and arrived 6 days after shipment.
Another UK seller used the GPS of eBay and I was confused about this as the tracking showed 3 different locations in UK before being sent to the Netherlands where I am located – it also took a long while considering the other item that arrived in 6 days: this one took 2 weeks! Still on schedule buuuuuuuuuuut it was nerve wracking.
Final shipment from US was sent on 16th of February, it was sent to eBay GPS Erlanger, KY – arrived there, was shipped to London Heathrow and customs were cleared but it is now stuck “in-transit with destination carrier” since 24th of February. Today is the 9th of March, delivery should have taken place between 27th of Feb – 7th of March.

I opened a case for delivery date not met with the following text (and option that I want the article):
“Dear seller, I bought the item xxxx hat but apparently the Global delivery service of eBay simply sucks as the item seems to be stuck for +2 weeks in London by now and I honestly do not know why as customs is cleared and it should be delivered by now – but it never left London since 24th of February. I googled this and found out that parcels sent by eBay from US mysteriously disappear in London Heathrow – sadly on a large scale. I think my package is one of those – confirmed by the lack of status, information or deliverance – or any decent trackable ID. I don’t see any mistake at your sight – I will not give a bad feedback or such as I do see the fault solely at eBay delivery.”

eBay first replied that the case is opened and if seller does not reply until 18th they will refund, then they replied in German on my English text and ultimately put the case on hold until 11th of March.
Eurf. The first and third messages were automated replies. The second however was a man-written reply to a circumstance that does not reflect the situation as eBay blames the seller and wants a confirmation of the tracking number from the seller. Which the status of the item has as it was sent trackable with USPS to Erlanger, KY. But the seller does not has any responsibility from there to my address as GSP takes over from there and eBay seems to neglect any responsibility for this incident.
So I wrote them again that I NEVER blamed the seller but wanted to bring that to their attention as the GSP eBay uses is faulty else dozens of packages wouldn’t get lost at London Heathrow – there is proof of this in several forums at different times and I wonder why eBay is still using this method as they are refunding a lot of people for this (and might get the money from the sellers although they are not entitled to do so as the sellers did nothing wrong except trusting in eBay services).
Of course I know that custom clearage may take a while BUT customs is cleared. The package should have been on the way to the Netherlands since 24th of February, but is stuck in Heathrow for some reason neither I nor the seller would know about.
I will see when and how this is resolved -_- obviously not in my favor as eBay will simply refund instead of trying to find out where the item is and why it is stuck in-transit.


If there was a way to put life on Pause I would do so.
If there was a Power off button I would use it.

Horrible things happened the last few days, weeks, months… and I am not quite sure if people do intend to keep on rolling with these terrible decisions they are about to make.

I am talking about several things….

  1. Donald Trump. Where did he come from? Why are people whoo-ing for such a predigested idiot who thinks he can do whatever he wants to just because he got the moneyz for it? Seriously.
    Reminds me of that “brown” past of German history where a maniac declared all disabled people and critics as enemies of the human race – rings a bell? Well, obviously not for the people voting for such an – pardon my language here I couldn’t find a better word in my mind – arse.
    Why is he not sponsored as other candidates? Well…. most likely because he wants to spend his own money in an useful way (hello, tax authorities?!) and maybe some companies who would sponsor him got pissed off of his speeches and ran away? Maybe they got some brains left to do so. I don’t know.
    This man has no respect at all and should not be in charge of anything – let alone the USA or any choice about where to throw off nuclear weapons. He’s a disaster and belongs dressed in a white jacket – with a muzzle.
  2. Refugee situation in Germany. Well, at least we kind of know where they come from. Kinda, mostly (economical refugees <-> war refugees). Some threw their passes away on purpose so no one would find out where they really came from. But hey. Also: Politicians and economics expected soooooooo many people that could fill the holes in the German work positions in the country (because we raise such glorious lazy bastards who don’t want to lift a finger and think mommy and poppy can work for them their whole life and life is way easier getting Hartz4 – a social funding to ensure survival – instead of searching for a decent internship or work) but SURPRISE ~90+% of the people coming into the EU and specifically Germany do not even know how to read or spell in their own language – let alone another language. Hooray? And that was so surprising? First they come in masses as they got promised so many things – both on legal and illegal ways -, then they come and expect Germans to be happy about them – which of course went a different course, especially since the events on New Year’s (which will be related to my 3rd point here) – and “suddenly” it’s another surprise the refugees might not be integrated as soon as some people hoped for or don’t even want to, because they don’t understand that there are so many things differently in the EU. Ey!
    Why did no one think about that there might be some effort needed to teach people the language? Germans usually do not know a word in English (and that’s sad enough!)- and if so with a terrible accent that even rolls my nails backwards (I say that as a fellow German). And then we got these “nice” examples:
    – Refugees can not apply for work for several months by law. That might change in the future but not necessarily soon – and will cause more than one ruckus. And even then: Germans and EU citizens will have an advantage – at least it should be that way legally. But still there will be another ruckus about this as some refugee might be better suited for a certain job than a German or other EU citizen might be (I see that discussion going into the direction of: they are cheaper. Wait, didn’t that happen already when the borders to Poland were loosened up?)
    – German companies do offer internships to help refugee youngsters to get a step into the work environment but what happened in several occasions : they are interested, they come for a few days and start to skip as they are not “used to work for 8 hours”. Instead they want to study the language, go to university and get an easy bank job. Or just make real quick money. As it would be so easy… riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
    No one knew before they ran away from their country to a foreign country that there might be a different work situation than back home? No one knew it might be good to study a few words to be able to actually communicate with German people?
    It doesn’t really surprise me that people get disappointed and sad about the current situation – on both sides.
    I see the Germans: fearing that some random people try to rip away their culture, standards, homes and
    I see the refugees: fearing that they will be pursued again.
    But both sides can be victims and offenders. There is no black or white to that. If you push an animal too much, it will bite you. The same might happen for this situation. There is no good way to handle this. It makes me sad.
    Even more so, as the EU is trying to solve a problem caused by great brother USA who is just leaning back and plotting the next shit they possibly can come up with (oh why Mr. Trump did you show your true colors so early when mocking Mrs. Merkel?). Kudos to that.
  3. The New Year’s incident in several cities in Germany. Several women were molested, robbed, sexually harassed and raped by “southern/north-African looking men” (related to refugee appearances) during the New Year’s celebrations. 1054 complaints were registered in Cologne – 454 being related to theft and sexual assaults. Other cities affected were Hamburg, Stuttgart, Frankfurt/Main, Nürnberg, Salzburg (Austria), Zurich (Switzerland), Helsinki (Finland).
    This is not related to 2 (or not proven to be) but it scares the hell out of people!
    Especially those who tend to listen to “brown” propaganda – and it doesn’t help that the police can not solve these incidents anytime soon as the people presenting this incredibly disgusting behavior are nowhere to be found.
    I don’t want to elaborate on this as I wasn’t there and it might have been used by the media too much to cover up other things but personally I do hope that they will catch these assholes who can not respect another culture and mindset – yet alone other human beings.

Yes, this post might be enough reason to call me a Nazi or such things. I am used to that – for even less reasons like e.g. talking English with my (cute) German accent.
I am disgusted and ashamed by the mob out there screaming nearly everyday now:”Wir sind das Volk – sie sind das Pack” (We are the nation – they are the  vermin).
Everyone who says that should be shunned from society. It is unbelievable how human beings treat others these days.
I myself am a critic of the refugee politics and behavior, I avoid crowds (that’s why I like online shopping so much) and I don’t go out in the evenings when its dark on my own (I never did! This is not a new behavior! I am afraid of dark roads and I would rather wait 25 minutes in wind&weather under a street lantern for the next bus to come then walking 5 minutes home through a dark street – this is called BASIC INSTINCT – it might be supernatural or ridiculous but if I have the choice between safe and might-be-not-so-safe-but-faster I take the safe version) but:
Despite which nation, color or religion – I do believe that people CAN live together in peace but everyone who can’t, should just leave the situation and not just burn down or steal property or even violate someone else – in any way!
There is NO reason that justifies these actions – none at all.

But while I’m writing this I am reflecting on myself and I see some parts of me I don’t like either:
I deeply am disgusted by people who just try to abuse another country’s policies and urge to help so they can get profit out of it or do whatever they please to violate others privacy , culture and beliefs,
I deeply am disgusted by my fellow Germans who can not get an understanding that there are people who suffer more than they do and only think about “those who steal things from us”,
I deeply am annoyed by all these politicians trying to make smart talk and abusing the fears and worries of their possible voters for their own egoistic reasons,
I am pissed off of myself talking about this while I went abroad so I just could get a decent job and after nearly 6 years I am not able to talk fluently in that foreign language – of course I never went to a course but that’s just another excuse I can make up (Though I could read Dutch after trying for 2 weeks. All my paperwork is in Dutch, I file my tax declaration in Dutch, I am willing to use Google Translate or friends when I don’t understand words.) – so I might not be the best judge of that topic when it comes to refugees and studying the foreign language and I am kinda arrogant in my own way when talking about this, too.
I am ashamed of our so-called civilized world! Because it is far, far away from that. Of course there will be always struggle between human beings, as it always was, but god damn, cut the crap! Focus on more important matters! Try to get your fucking shit together!