I Have No Specific Title For These Thoughts – Sorry

I’m so sick of it.
Everytime I try to get along with a person there’s this tiny chance that suddenly is a 25000% chance that this very person will backstab me. And will play innocent about it. Maybe. Sometimes. (Not related to this very case but happened a few times already so)
Why can’t life be a bit easier -_- (or maybe my expectations in human kind a bit lower) ?!

In the beginning there was my childhood. Not the best someone could have – I spent the first 2 years after moving out to catch up on my puberty while living in hell for the first year as I was not prepared for what was waiting for me at all.. So when I was 20 I finally opened my eyes about what was going on in my family and with 22 I cut lose the remaining parts of feelings towards the uglyness of being a part of a family that instead of caring just waits for me getting eaten by wolves. (Oh yes, I struggled alot BUT there is no hate – neither love!)
I do not see a reason to visit my family – I don’t talk to my dad and his part of the family. I break the heart of my mom and grandma and need to be forced to visit (mom’s 50th Birthday party on Easter when she has a week later… well not really right? But still I visited) I could not run far away enough to finally rest.

After a few mishaps – hey it’s life – I finally figured that love is a word made up for Valentine’s and also if I care for someone or something it can be broken in an instant (best example above). So why care?!
Because humans crave for love – stupid shit thing going on with us. I do too.
Also I finally understand that all I did these past 3 years (maybe even longer) was being self-destructive.

I adore my pet snake. I will shed tears when his time comes to die (although I do not know for how long) … I could never bring myself to abandon him although I did that with previous pets when I put them in shelter due to allergy reasons (I had gerbils and gave them away as my hayfever got worse over the 2 years I had them and finally resulted in me getting allergic on animals except horses and cows…) but I do have regrets (although that was a legit decision based on facts I could not avoid as I was getting worse and could have suffocated any day).

I certainly can say I loved my boyfriends but I could feel in the last years that I am looking at these feelings totally different now than I did when I was – let’s say 17. With 17 my life was still okay (until October, 2002 that is) but from what I could see in my parent’s relationship: I never wanted to marry. Or wear a dress (especially not white). Or flowers in my hair. Or what-not. It was totally out of the question as my self-esteem was not existent and I thought “Who would actually do marry me?” BUT I believed that there is that specific someone out there. I don’t think that anymore.
I regret not being at the weddings of good friends of mine – neither of the one of German friends (as I was meant to work and could not get off due to heavy workload. It was also a short notice with “in 3 weeks” :/ ) nor Dutch friends (as I was hit by a car a week before and my leg was starting to play numb just a day before). Timing, Karma? But on the other side: I’m somewhat relieved. I kind of hate seeing couples kissing – even if I am in a relationship myself – and even if I hold these people dear. I can’t really tell why.

Everytime someone tells me they are envious about me being strong about everything, I’d like to punch into their faces. Yes, I am strong. In a way. My nerves are made of steel if not a tiny thing happens that totally throws me off balance. I laugh things away, so no one can see I am hurt but then -at some point- it will come back to me. Tenfold. Because humans are not made to keep negative energy inside themselves for long either. They are meant to share pain. But if you never learned how to do so because you were sent away into your room to „think about things“, what is the best way except implode?!

Don’ get me wrong: I am not a victim (or I don’t want to see me as such). I am simply the result of what I was meant to be and what I wanted to become – I guess – I don’t think I ever wanted to be lonely, nor do I think I am. But I keep on pushing people away. Contradiction much. (And this is my blog so who wants to keep me from writing whatever I want!)

I can cry about things that hurt me – may it be for self-pity, regret, disappointment, or just so all of my emotions an finally out (because I do not scream – it happens but my disciplinary shackles do have me back in „normal mode“ really fast) – but I see crying as a weakness (something that got carried along since early childhood) and it makes me angry to fail my own expectations.
I’m burning out. There are less and less things that really interest me, which make me laugh or get me hyped. And thus I am destroying me from the inside. (I have an 8 weeks streak of nightmares – every night a different one but nightmares are the result of a troubled mind.)

So now…. I am here and my enrage counter just hit 180.
A person did mean something as a joke or did not think about it (honestly I did not ask yet as I was too much in enrage-mode and just fled from the “conversation“ without saying anything as I usually regret not knowing what I said while I was enraged – I seriously can not remember what I say then… this might be the result of all things that are hold back imploding at the same time or my brain just locking down on that very feeling and blocking all memory about what I said or did – gladly I can still remember I never hit or kill someone) and hurt me on Thursday while not knowing that. I kind of tried taking it as a joke… well tried. Today the drip which made me go nuts went off. Of course mentioned person could not understand why I was ticked off by a really weird topic but I was and am hurt (since Thursday and it just added up by the same person until today). Such are the limitations of conversations. As we can not look into each others brains. Even if I understand why I reacted that way – would another understand? There is a chance that is not the case and another chance I can not explain… so here we are at the real problem (?): Trust issues.

I do not entrust my whole life to everyone – basically: anyone. Even my best friends do not know everything and I am grateful for that. But that also leads to “How would I know what is wrong with you when you don’t say anything“ situations which could be avoided (sometimes) as mentioned situation above will lead to sooner or later (tomorrow). I know that already. But can’t help it but be sad about it. And angry – angry on myself for not telling that person already on Thursday that these few words hurt me and instead keeping quiet and letting it pile up… (yes, 2 days is already enough to make it go “boom”)

So what’s the conclusion of this “nega(tive) helix“? Some may say “death by your own hands“ because the situation looks hopeless, people make the same mistakes all over again and what not but I refuse to give up my pride! So many things were taken (or given away) in my life so far that I was meant to break down so often already but every time I got back on my feet sooner or later.
I am determined to get out of this damn spiral – even if it takes a few years. I can not disappoint myself (and others for that note as my behavior also hurts others I care for) for the rest of my life. Even if it sounds pointless but if I don’t try, nothing will change and probably just get worse. Amen.

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